She's a rebel, she's a saint, she's the salt of the earth and she's dangerous

But I call her Skip. Happy Birthday, and like all good long distance communications, I'm sorry that I can't be there tonight, but after today, I can barely walk, never mind drink. Is that plausible enough now?

Today was an Axbridge Cycling Group Birthday ride celebration and (for me at least) recovery ride after doing a few hills yesterday. Official Mendip rouleur complaint: I ordered flat! Quite a group assembled in the Square this morning. I'd got up a bit early to warm up and test my stamina by cycling down into Winscombe then up to Shipham before delivering Skip's present so she, or I, didn't have to carry it round with us.

I didn't have a problem buying it, not what I would have chosen for myself of course, but then presents are for the receiver. I did toy with buying some cycling kit, and went to elaborate lengths to try and pretend I was buying stuff for my Mum to make sure it was the right size. But, and it's a big but. Buying clothes for women is fraught with hidden, no very visible dangers. For one thing, Skip, well she's a rebel, and most cycling clothes for the ladies are pink or mauve and very twee. Or any that aren't are unavailable, and people at work told me not to risk buying a blokes pair of bib shorts.

The size thing is a minefield. What is a size 12 exactly? Apparently if you buy size 12 and it's too small, that's no good, but if you go for 14 that could be insulting. And, while no-one cares about how they look on a bike as much as me, I really didn't want to get it wrong. She does colour co-ordinate her nail varnish after all.

So I went for a set of DVDs about he who must not be named in case the over-litigious Texan actually reads my blog. Which I doubt, but I read he gets e-mail alerts every time his name is mentioned on the web. A bit like googling yourself for the paranoid.

So the ride, well we went round the levels, up to Catcott and Shapwick, down to Sweets and then up a new hill on the way back from Panborough. Back past the windmill and down Notting Hill. Boots was route plotter and manged to find some roads that would put Paris-Roubaix to shame, as well as a nasty climb which had hitherto been hidden.

I'd like to think I did my stints on the front, because for some reason we were on it today, the reason being we were either trying to keep up with, or impress Superman and Superwoman (see entry on 13 June 2010). They don't come out with us much and when they do we always seem to be busting ourselves to pretend we are really good cyclists, just in case they never come back. I think.

I did spend a lot of time looking at the back of my fellow cyclists today. Take Skip for example,

http://www.thecyclingmayor.com/?m=201103

A very clean rear, of her bike, gleaming derailleur, and smaller profile than last year. (Actually I have no idea if that's true, I always look at her knees and brakes, as i am a gentleman, but Bunny says so, and he's married, aren't you Bunny?).

The Knight of the Realm, who joined us for ten miles before peeling off to his shop. Absolutely filthy. Haven't you got a sponge? Muc-off? Get the cub scouts round, no wonder your gears keep seizing.

Boots is slowly metamorphosing into a modern cyclist. New bike, made, I think, of carbon(?), he now hows an Endura top and today I noticed a matching water bottle. One day the saddle bag will be gone and he will sport a sleek helmet and lycra shorts. Mark my words.

Superman and Superwoman have their national flag proudly etched onto their top tube. But was that a stars and stripes I spotted down near the bottom bracket?

The Shipham MTB, who is not even from Shipham, so after his performance today is now officially King of the Hill, today he committed a heinous crime allowing his yellow shell jacket, poking out of a rear pocket, flapping in the breeze, like a 1920s dancer.

And me? Well I was the worst offender today and none of you even noticed. Or at least you didn't comment. Or perhaps you couldn't care less, but I feel furtive, like a thief who has got away with it but still feels guilty. For this morning on entering the shed, I found the K-1's front tyre completely flat. Time was a factor, so I made a decision. Quicker than you could say, "where's the team car" I put one of the original wheels on. With deep section aero rims. Another brand for heaven's sake!!!

I'm sorry, I've let you down, I've let the Symmetrical and Matching Standards Board down, but most of all, I've let the tyre down............sorry.

http://connect.garmin.com/activity/75186118