You've broken every code

A Sunday ride with Skip, and because both of us had been hitting the hills recently, we decided to do a flat easy run out to the south-west, to a cafe we hadn't been to before. More on that later.

Of course because it was flat and exposed, and all the hedges had been pollarded or removed, it was predictably windy, mainly from the west. But the route tacked and swerved around those peculiar right angles you get in rural areas, and we did our best to cover the ground as quickly as we could. By and large we succeeded with a healthy 16 mph + average for this route:

http://ridewithgps.com/users/30887

I can't give you precise statistics because Charlie packed up half way round, it's something to do with having pre-programmed routes but we got where we planned to and didn't get lost.

Yesterday was "Black Armband Saturday" in memory or Wouter Weylandt and all those who have died on a bike in the last year. I hope it catches on as an annual thing, 100 people a year in the UK alone die on the bike, so we need events like that to raise consciousness of the facts. Move us all away from the opinionated hysteria and into constructive territory. Although a day late, Skip and I decided to honour the principle and wear black armbands.

Given that I have few items of kit without black sleeves, it limited my choices a bit, and factor in the wind and mild temperature, and the need to test out some new items of kit, all this contrived a situation where every single article of clothing was from a different manufacturer, but still colour co-ordinated.

So the Hilltop cafe in Pawlett. I don't think it will be winning the Cafe of the Year competition. I was attracted to it by its name, given that it is about 50 feet above sea level, means either someone has a sense of irony, or they take that slight bump in the landscape very seriously on the Somerset levels. The cafe is right next to the A38 halfway between Bridgwater and Highbridge. It is somewhat traditional.

Walking in, I was struck by the resemblance, in look and feel, to a cafe I used to go to when I worked in London, and I detected traces in the accent of the bloke running it. All the tables were laid out on a grid pattern, a bit like desks in an old-fashioned school. As I ordered my bacon sandwich, I noticed a sign on the counter that said customers were not allowed to "mix and match" from the set menu, unless you were prepared to pay extra.

I wasn't asked how I wanted my sandwich, brown or white bread, but I wasn't fussed really. We sat down and started to chat, and i noticed another sign, telling customers they were forbidden from having meetings, because it took up table space and valuable car parking places. Reader, you will not be surprised to know that this cafe was not over-brimming with customers, and the car park had our two bikes, the tandem of the only other paying customers, and a rusty tractor that looked like it had sen better days.

Another sign. "No chips served before 12". And another, " children's portions only for children aged 14 or younger". Do you need a birth certificate? By now this Fawltyesque atmosphere was beginning to make me smile. Probably not what was intended, and I can't see the approach catching on in modern customer service circles. Does this man actually want to be running a cafe?

When my eyes caught sight of the next sign "Anyone consuming their own food on these premises will be shot" (I promise it said this, I am not making it up, there was a picture of a gun too, just in case you couldn't read) I started to laugh. Then a twinge of anxiety. I'd brought my water bottle in with me, had I sipped any?

Paying a visit to the loo before we left, these were outside in an outhouse by the way, and of course there was sign saying they were for paying customers only, I realised they wouldn't be winning prizes for cleanliness either. Now I can't imagine you would go there if you were not going to the cafe, there is nothing there that would drag you to drive there, but be warned, there is also a sign saying they will clamp your car if you park in the car park and don't visit the cafe.

You couldn't make it up, maybe it was one of those TV reality shows where they film your reaction.

Couldn't let today go by without mentioning the R word again. A series of very, very fortunate events would have to happen to save us now. West Ham that is. I only hope that our spineless and clueless owners see fit to appoint this man as our manager. If not the famous Derry son, Martin O'Neill, then it just has to be Mad Dog himself. Step forward martin Allen, your club needs youoooooooooooo.